Tonight I'll Break the Surface

Kinda in a mopey mood today. You'd think buying myself tons of stuff and getting Chey's Mother's Day gifts (one of which was totally inspired!) and some of Hallee's birthday gifts would have cheered me up, but noooo.....it's not as much fun when it's your own money that you're blowing.

Which made me realize something I had spoken to my co-workers about earlier yesterday...money. And how STUPID I was with it. Now that I'm making pretty good bank, the majority of my income goes to paying off my two credit cards and to other important things (doctors, medicines, car stuff), and then it'll be saved for random shit and school. But when I was in Houston, namely, when I lived with the Ex-Effect (I can still be semi-witty during my melodramatic moments), I would've done better to just leave my money on a table at McDonald's; perhaps those people would've actually done something useful with it.

Looking back on my expenses, I know I did some good stuff with it, like buying food, keeping my car working, and getting clothes (HEY! That's important too! haha). And the rest went to him. We started off with him paying for both of us, slowly trickled into me paying for myself, and then it became me paying EVERYTHING. I'm not some 1913 handmaid expecting the guy to foot the bill all the time, and if we shared expenses, it'd be fine if we pooled our money together and then it wouldn't really make a difference since it'd be "our" money. But that wasn't the case.

And once I found out about the drug issue, hmph. Well, let's just say I felt....used. Cheap. Dirty. It was hard to forgive him using his money to buy Lord knows what, when I'd sit and cry some nights because I only had $10 in my bank account that I had to make last a week until my next paycheck.

But I never really forgave him. Not really. All of the issues I thought I had forgiven have reared around again. I don't know if that is because of what happened to our relationship, or if this would've happened regardless. I think my growing self-awareness is a big factor.

I remember when Chey and I first started talking again, I felt so stupid for not heeding the advice she gave me. She told me that love was blind, unfortunately. And it so was. He had no job, no money, we lived somewhere that was small and cramped and pretty dingy (somewhere I would NEVER have stayed before. Somewhere I would've scoffed at, in fact), and I let him get away with all that. Because I was in love. Many people have commented that I just laid down and died. I fought against that for a long time, but it is totally true. I thought I was making decisions for myself, but in reality, he was making decisions and I had small choices that wouldn't really effect things in any huge sort of way.

And that's bullshit. I HATE not being in control. I hate not knowing what the future holds. Not knowing where or what I will be doing. I can be spontaneous and impulsive, but I was just making one stupid choice after another.

With all honesty, I can say I'm happy I'm not with him anymore. I completely lost sight of myself and what I wanted, and although it sucks balls that I'm (in essence) re-building my life from the ground up, I know that when I'm done, I will be happy. And more importantly, I will be me. And that's something to be proud of.


In edit-y news, I'm about halfway through Chey's WIP (well, halfway through what she's written so far), and I'm like dead. It's emotional and angsty, and I completely feel myself going along for the ride. But it feels amazing to get back to an educated and intellectual frame of mind, since I really didn't get too much of that with the Ex-Effect. Not that he was stupid, obviously he's very crafty and conniving, but you'd never see him pick up a book. Unless he was moving it.

Let's hope I get over my emotional PMS weekend and actually move on to write shit that people might actually care about soon...


**Btw, post title is from Something Corporate's "She Paints Me Blue"