"Every burned book enlightens the world" Ralph Waldo Emerson

Banned Books Week is probably the best thing that has happened to me blogging motivation! Although I have no idea whether anyone is actually reading this, it makes me feel like I HAVE to write or I will let someone down. Myself, perhaps?

Today is another day of personal statement writing (boo). But it should be easier because it is just revising the one I wrote yesterday for two other programs. Hopefully I won't feel the need to procrastinate as much as I always do. Heading to UM tomorrow (was supposed to go today but I'm still feel kind of sick) to pick up the recs and not spend too much money on my sister's birthday gift. It is quite bizarre to me that in less than 2 weeks she will be 17. Granted, I am 23 and I do not feel that in the slightest, but I guess that's life eh?

``Of course I procrastinated again. I need some sort of award for that. But, the way I see it, once I finally DID start writing yesterday, I hit a stride and wrote for nearly 2 hours, so here's hoping for the same today!


The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

Margaret Atwood is amazing, first off. But this book is chilling. As fiction it is intense, but when you realize that this is going on all over the world- to the polygamist sect that was raided in Texas not too long ago, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, parts of India, and so, so many other places, this book becomes especially relevant. The Handmaid's Tale even starts with on an epic note, with a terrorist attack (blamed on Muslim terrorists...oh hey, did I mention this book was published in 1985??), a crazy sect of male chauvinist nutjobs called the Sons of Jacob overthrow Congress, suspend the freakin Constitution, take over banking accounts, and promptly freeze all accounts owned by women. The new Republic of Gilead moves to enforce a compulsorily-Christian regime of Old Testament-inspired social and religious orthodoxy.

The story is narrated by Offred...which isn't even her real name. We never find out her real name. Because in Gilead, women are only important in so much as the serve men (hence, her name "Of Fred" the man she works for). She was a concubine, kept around for reproductive purposes (hence, the "handmaid" in the title). Her story is actually told after the fact, through cassette tapes she left of her life. They are put together in a disjointed, out-of-order manner by professors after the "Gilead period", and in the end, we don't know what happens to Offred. We don't even know what she looks like until about halfway through the novel, when she very succinctly describes her appearance.

Atwood is not afraid to attack virtually every extremist sect in this novel. The revolutionary right, totalitarian regimes, traditional values proponents ("Barefoot and pregnant"), contemporary feminism, and those in favor of utopian communities. The most interesting (and probably relevant, for this week at least) was her attack on the contemporary feminists of her day that were anti-pornography. Not because of the content itself, but because many of them aligned themselves with the religious right and were in favor of pretty extreme censorship. It became so rigid it was basically another form of revivalism. And while Atwood manages to critique all of these movements, she does so in a way that doesn't paint her as either revolutionary OR counter-revolutionary. And most interesting, while the book is #37 on the ALA's list of frequently challenged or banned books, it has never been challenged in Canada...

Tomorrow's book is Ordinary People

"You can cage the singer, but not the song" Harry Belafonte

I am multi-tasking like a bandit right now. As well as writing this blog post/book review (and reminding myself about Allende's book), I am also checking up on my usual websites, battling a nasty cold, and WRITING MY FIRST PERSONAL STATEMENT. It is for my "safest" of safe schools, but I don't even want to call it that. I know that graduate school is no joke and is crazy competitive. A 20% acceptance rate at these programs is actually strangely high, so any school that wants to take me aboard is awesome. Plus, I have managed to find at least one thing at every school that I lovelovelove. At the school that I am writing for today, there are quite a few reasons. It is in Miami (so I can live at home, and thus save tons of money), it is the cheapest option, and they also offer a Museum Studies certificate that I would be interested in.

These personal statements will probably be the most difficult 2-3 pages I ever write in my life. It is so bizarre to think that so much of my 35-page thesis on topics that still baffle me to this day, was so organic and free-flowing. I guess it is much easier to analyze other people's work and not your own. While I was reading some tips on writing personal statements, I was surprised by one website saying that you had to get over your feelings of inadequacy before writing. Of course this makes perfect sense, but until that moment, I hadn't realized that I was battling that too.

I am beyond worried that I won't get accepted anywhere. I had to really take a look at my life and apply to schools that I could potentially afford. Money is crazy tight here, so as much as I'd like to jet off to Chicago or Seattle or another equally amazing program, I know I can't. But I am still excited about the programs I'm applying to now. And yes, I have come up with backup plans if I don't get into any programs, plans I think I could be happy with.

But it is still a heavily daunting task, just the entire situation. However, I have managed to write an outline for my personal statement, and of the potentially 7 I have to write, it looks like I can basically do 2 or 3 different ones, and then just have to edit and tailor them to the specific program.

Oh barnacles.

``And I was just distracted for over an hour by a phone call from a friend...meh. And then I may or may not have procrastinated even more by learning to do the "Wobble" line dance...Yes, I know. I am TOO good at procrastinating. Then I am TOO good at writing...about an hour and a half later and I have to cut out nearly a page. Oh well, at least it's (sorta) done!


The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende

I actually read this book in Spanish, for no other reason than that I was sitting in the Spanish fiction section of the library and decided to pick something up. I have heard about Allende for a long time, so I figured that'd be a good place to start. A bit of background on how the novel came about: Allende initially started writing a letter to her 100-yr-old grandfather, because she had received news that he was dying. That became the starting manuscript to The House of the Spirits (cute story, non?)

It was no surprise that this book amazingly well in Latin American countries- it has everything a proper telenovela should have: a grand family epic, murder, young love, death, illness, poverty, spirits, prostitutes, devil possession...Of course, the young protagonist Clara falls in love with and gets pregnant by someone who is not her husband, and there is much drama and tears and name-calling (and in a surprising twist, her daughter Blanca is "normal" and does not talk to spirits). The magical realism is a bit out there, but its the political undercurrent of this book that people up in arms. In a huge political upset, the Socialists take the election and restructuring begins. Soon after, the political right stages a coup and the Terror begins. The military takes over, rather than give power to the right as was expected, and almost EVERYONE dies. People are killed for standing their ground and not giving up information, others refuse to give up their land, and others still sacrifice themselves for their family. One of the most gruesome scenes is when Alba (Blanca's daughter) is kidnapped and raped almost to the brink of death. When you worry that Alba won't pull through, Clara's spirit (since she is in a quasi state of being alive and a spirit) comes to her and tells her to live by writing in her mind (These are my favorite pages of the whole book).

Everything ends as happy as they possibly could at that point, but amidst all of the clearly insane things that happen, you can relate to everyone. You can FEEL their emotions, go along for the ride with them, and feel the terror of political upheaval. As a description of Chile during Pinochet's regime, it seems sound. I like that I was able to feel immersed in the story, a story I know well, without having to agree with what it said. Because although I concede that Allende is a great story-teller, her and I will never see eye-to-eye on politics.

But would I censor her? Never. Everyone deserves the right to voice their opinions on matters, just like everyone deserves the right to disagree with someone's opinion. You have the power to take WHAT YOU WANT from books; no one has to blindly agree to it just because it is typed on a piece of paper.

Up tomorrow is The Handmaid's Tale

"To reject the word is to reject the human search" Max Lerner

Before I go into the Banned Book review o' the day, random news. Career Fair was a BUST! There were very few companies there, a majority of them were schools looking to recruit students, and head-hunters. I left my resume with a few of the agencies, and like 2 regular employers, but it's not looking good. I officially get to file for unemployment on Friday, and it's looking like I will have to in order to pay off all my grad school stuff. Plus, my mom may have to have surgery soon (for fibroids, nothing too crazy) but she won't be able to work for a month, so I will have to tack on some of those expenses to help out. It's raining like crazy down here, and it's still sooooo hot, though thankfully nothing compared to the 110+ degrees my buddies in Cali are feeling. I am sick AGAIN and have been pretty miserable today. I did manage to find a good website with tips for personal statement writing, so I may possibly get started on one today. Or at least an outline.



Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez

While sex descriptions were inescapable in Blume's Forever, you'd probably get to the end of Rainbow Boys and wonder if you missed out the sex scenes. As many can probably glean from the title, this is the story of three high school boys dealing with issues of homosexuality, love and life. Although this book was published in 2001, it was under HUGE fire for even the mere implication of two teenaged boys having sex. What I enjoyed so much about RB, is how simple it is. It is so easy to forget the "taboo" nature of two boys being together, and just see Jason and Kyle as two young kids falling in love for the first time and traversing the murky waters that relationship brings. Of course they deal with being taunted and made fun of at school and at home, though they eventually come to be proud of their identities. I mean, I know at 17 I was nowhere near the sense of self-actualization I have now (and I'm STILL working on that), that these kids had.

The great part of Rainbow Boys for me was how the jocks (like Jason)and the more obviously gay teens (like Kyle and his extremely flamboyant best friend and self-proclaimed "queen" Nelson) found enough common ground to try and be friends. The reality is that very often there is a division between the "normal" and the "stereotypical," the "straight-acting" and the "queens," which is all just internalized homophobia anyway. The shifting point of view, chronicling a different stage of the coming out process, are so easily relateable and well-written. It feels shaky at the beginning and eventually Sanchez catches his stride, but a large part of me believes Sanchez recognized this and perhaps it is another parallel to the journeys these 3 boys take.

Rainbow Boys is actually the first in a trilogy that ends with the boys right before they go their separate ways for college. I haven't read the other two books (though I actually already know how they end thanks to a friend that cannot keep her mouth shut when it comes to book endings haha), but they are on my ever-expanding book list!

Up tomorrow is The House of the Spirits

The Sum Of Our Parts

So I should definitely be getting ready for bed since I should be in bed in the next hour (to wake up early for the Career Fair), I just finished reading this article on Hollywood possibly white-washing the film adaptation of The Hunger Games. For those that want a quick synopsis (though the article is a good one and deserves a read), white-washing is when (generally film and TV makers) choose white actors to play non-white roles because they are more "marketable".

I know it must be difficult to find an actor that fits the physical description set out by the author to a T- the article's writer Peta Jinnath Andersen notes Daniel Radcliffe to be an exception- but sometimes it does seem like they don't even TRY to find ethnically diverse actors. I remember myself being up in arms when Vanessa Hudgens' name was thrown around to play Leah Clearwater in the Twilight:Eclipse movie. I'm not expecting a Quileute that looks exactly like Leah to fall from the sky, but I am sure there are plenty of talented Native American actresses that could have been chosen (which they did by choosing Julia Jones, of Chickasaw and Mississippi Choctaw descent).

Now, I LOVED Kick-Ass and I think Chloe Moretz is adorable (and I like her as Emily the Strange), but she is no Katniss. AT ALL. Katniss has olive skin, dark hair and gray eyes...and Chloe is none of those things. Granted "olive skin" can still mean she is Caucasian, but it is also typically associated with Hispanic and Mediterranean people. While I do think the personality needs to be there because wigs and hair-dyeing and contacts can always be used...is this Hollywood attempting to whitewash the movie?

I think a bit of it may just be attaching an up-and-coming star to the movie for publicity. Kick-Ass did well, and I'm sure THG is going to cost a pretty penny. More so than the "Is Katniss white or not, and who should play her" deal, what most interested me about Andersen's article, however, is the reality behind YA ethnic literature. It is true that many a times, the books that deal with a non-white character have race issues and identity as a major theme. And yes, that is a fact of life. But it is a fact of life for EVERYONE, and I would like to see mainstream books about non-white characters going through normal every day life and not have race be a huge, over-arching black cloud.

I know that earlier I discussed how Bless Me, Ultima spoke to me because I do have issues combining all of my different cultural identities. But as Andersen so eloquently puts it,

Skin color is not the be all and end all. I am greater than the color of my skin, just as I am greater than my sex or my shoe size. To know me—to know anyone—is to recognize that we are all greater than the sum of our parts.

We all just want to be known for who we are. But in going against that through whitewashing, they are calling attention to everything we are NOT, and who can live up to that?

If there are mainstream books with non-white characters, that don't focus exclusively on issues of race, or gender, religion, etc, feel free to leave the titles in the comments. Yes, race, gender, etc often cause us to react to things in different ways, because we have been taught different things growing up, have different backgrounds...but we all face the same problems- falling in and out of love, wondering what our "calling" in life is, and those decisions aren't necessarily derived from identifying with a certain race or religion.

I don't even know if any of this made sense, but sometimes a girl's just gotta semi-rant/think-out-loud-and-type.

"Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too"- Voltaire

In celebrating Banned Books Week (though I'm not entirely sure one "celebrates" Banned Books Week as much as call attention to crippling censorship), I decided I'd do a mini-book review of one book every day of this week. Since today is technically the 3rd day of Banned Books Week (I was going to use an acronym but realized it may have other...more titillating implications haha) as it started on Saturday the 25th, I will do three books! While books like Huck Finn, To Kill a Mockingbird, & Beloved are very well-known examples (that are phenomenal and I am VERY thankful that my public school system actually encouraged us to read these), I thought I'd try to steer these reviews toward very important books (IMO) that may not be as well-known but still resonate in our society.



Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya

I remember reading Bless Me, Ultima the summer after I graduated high school, right before moving to the big bad streets of New York City for college. As a young Hispanic (though not Mexican) living in the United States (although it may be in Miami, it still counts!), the merging of several cultural identities has been something I have faced since I was a small child. In the novel, Antonio struggles between becoming a priest, as his Luna mother wishes, or riding the llano (basically being a cowboy of sorts) like his father does. He struggles between his Spanish heritage and his indigenous culture. He struggles between the mysticism practiced by Ultima and Catholicism. Even more struggles abound at school between the Spanish speakers and the English speakers. While I may not be a 7-year-old boy growing up in 1940s New Mexico, it spoke of the same issues of independence I too was seeking, as evidenced by my high-tailing it out of Miami for NYC.

My entire life, I have seen my friends waver between the two extremes- becoming excessively "Cubanized" or completing forgetting their heritage to become more Anglosized. While we here about the "melting pot" of mixed cultures all day long, it really is bullshit because at the end of the day, you are ALWAYS reminded that you are different. Some praise these differences, some disparage them. Racism is a tale as old as time, as is mixogenation. I'm not trying to be the boo-hoo triple minority woe-is-me girl. Because I AM different. We ALL are. It is a fact of life. And what Antonio comes to realize is that moral independence is found through the artful combination of one's past, one's gender, one's religion, one's race. At 7, Antonio is able to rise above the various stereotypes propounded by his family and the Guadalupe townspeople and be free to choose his own life path, something he discovers with Ultima's unwavering tolerance and understanding.

Bless Me, Ultima is a classic in Chicano literature, showcasing that a novel by a minority does not have to be a derivative of anything, that it can stand alone and not be a glorification of American OR Hispanic stereotypes to be a simple but potent coming of age story.



Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs

Now most that know me (and even if you don't, now you will!), know that I LOVE William S Burroughs and the Beat Poets. I may not agree with a lot of their stances on a lot of things, but I do admire their no-frills attitude about writing and how it should occur organically, not forced. So naturally, I am very excited to see the film Howl, based on the obscenity trial for Allen Ginsberg's poem of the same name, starring the hunky Jon Hamm, James Franco (as Allen Ginsberg), and David Strathairn (who would've been a great, older WSB, but that's ok because that man can do no wrong).

Naked Lunch is the first WSB book I had ever read, and I picked it up (not surprisingly) while living in NYC at a second-hand bookstore. Much like a lot of Burroughs' writing, it is based on his own experiences as a drug user throughout his life. The vignettes can be read in any order (which I think is pretty cool, and I have read them in very random patterns throughout the years). By writing in this way, Burroughs calls to attention the human mind's limitations on how it perceives things- mainly that you perceive what you want to- and reading it in random orders continually turns the relationships on its axis, akin to the drug-addled mind of the protagonist William Lee.

While it may be difficult to see why a book like Bless Me, Ultima is banned (for "pagan content" and "promoting a homosexual agenda"" in its depictions of sexuality), Burroughs intended to use obscene language, frank depictions of drug use and taboo sex. This book goes everywhere and ends up nowhere. It gives you a glimpse of sub-cultures that you would never, ever want to be a part of. It's sick and it's twisted, but much like the title (as discussed by Burroughs in the intro to the novel) "NAKED Lunch - [it is] a frozen moment when everyone sees what is on the end of every fork."



Forever by Judy Blume

If you didn't spend your childhood and burgeoning teenage years reading Judy Blume, you have truly missed out. I started reading Blume books in the 4th grade, and have devoured nearly everything she has written in the ensuing 14 years. While it may seem not as taboo as it was in 1975 for its description of sexual intercourse and Katherine's decision to go on the pill, it is still under attack by sexual abstinence groups and different religious organizations. This is the story of a teenage girl coming to terms with not just her sexual life, but with love. She experiences many "firsts" in the book, including realizing that her relationship with Michael was the beginning (and not the end-all, be-all) of love in her lifetime.

I liked that their relationship seemed real. And it wasn't just some flippy kind of relationship either. They were intense, and serious, and completely head-over-heels for each- like a first love should be. I liked how frankly (and sometimes explicitly) they spoke about their desires, their hopes, their ideas. I liked that Katherine recognizes that in the moment, it seemed like her and Michael would be forever, but just because it was then, doesn't mean it truly is so. That being said, there is A LOT of sex in this book. I first read it when I was 15, when I had my first "real" boyfriend, and I, usually very ok with talking about sex with virtually anyone, blanched at how detailed it was. Now, at 23, it still kind of surprises me a bit, but I get the larger message too.

And in a world where sexting, porn and sex are hitting us from all angles and are very readily available to everyone, it is refreshing to see teens make smart, informed decisions.

Up tomorrow is Rainbow Boys.

In other news, tomorrow is the Career Fair and I am already totally over it. I'm nervous, yet not nervous, and tired and totally pessimistic about it. This job search is sucking, and it seems like there are even FEWER jobs than before. I will still give it my all (since I've got my snazzy new outfit!), but not expecting much. Hopefully I will start my first personal statement tomorrow too.

I'll Slow It Down For You

Very boring and quiet weekend with no huge excitement. Spent time editing Anna's manuscript (which is great, great, great! And naturally, I have fallen for one of the characters) and figuring out what my next step in grad school apps is. Figuring I will switch up and start writing my personal statements this week and next (which I am very much not excited about. I'm sure they will be the toughest 3-5 pages I've ever had to write) and then order up all my transcripts and GRE scores (which means that I will hopefully have $200 for all that). I'm most excited for editing my writing samples, which will probably happen in about a month. Re-reading my thesis made me very happy and proud, and reminded why I love doing what I do so much. So while I know grad school will be difficult, time-consuming and nerve-wracking, there is no place I'd rather be.

Except maybe London. Or Sweden.

In girly news, today I bought a cute sweater (for if I ever make it to Salt Lake City next month, which is not looking good at the moment), and a classy cropped, short-sleeve blazer and adorable pair of black suede kitten-heeled shoes. I am sooooo excited kitten heels are back in vogue because although I love my 4-5 in heels, it's nice to not want to chop my feet off at the end of the day, yet still get the added height that I want.

I haven't been doing too well with my leisurely reading. Have been running around all last week, plus I am dealing with this extreme fatigue and insomnia that NO ONE seems to be able to figure out. Have done tests for everything under the sun AND the moon, and still no answers. Next step is some sort of prescription sleep aid and see if that changes anything. BUT I WILL have a book review sometime next week for Dakota Cassidy's My Way To Hell. While I never really liked the paranormal genre, it seems these days that as well as fantasy is what is calling my fancy.


**Post title from Hey Monday's "How You Love Me Now"

I'm Leaving You, My Life Sentence Is Served

Wooohooo! Go me and actually posting when I say I will! The high (metaphorical, not literal) from the concert has worn off now, and all I'm left with is a crazy sore throat and what looks like the beginning of Death Plague 2010 v.2, which is no fun. On deck for next week is a Career Fair on Tuesday (which will HOPEFULLY bring something good along- or at the very least a few interviews) and heading to my old alma mater to pick up some recommendation letters.

Which brings me to my topic of the day!

My former thesis adviser/English professor has written what I'm sure is a stellar rec for me (because basically any rec anyone would choose to write for me makes me very excited and grateful and is, thus, amazing) and she asked me if I was going to waive my right to read the letter. Naturally, most schools look favorably upon this because they are getting a better view of you as both a scholar and an individual. If you don't waive your right, they will know that you read all your letters and chose only the best and most favorable descriptions of you to turn in. Honestly, I believe that any professional that would choose to write a recommendation for you would write a favorable letter; if not, they would just tell you they won't do it (as I have seen many professors do before). But that got me wondering, if you had the ability to learn how others see you, without them having to tell you straight to your face, but through a more indirect means, would you take it?

I am by no means anywhere near perfect. I have snuck around where I shouldn't have to read and see things that were not meant for me, although they were about me. Sometimes I had a semi-legitimate reason (such as with DBX), and other times I was just extremely insecure and was looking toward outside things to make me feel better. And while I did learn what he or she thought about me, or said behind my back, or was doing behind closed doors, I learned more about myself in the process...and not all of those things were pleasant.

Would I love to read that letter by a professor whom I admire and hope to have a successful career like? OF COURSE. As a peer, a colleague, a burgeoning little scholar and writer, OF COURSE I want to know what someone who has been in the field many, many years thinks and how well they believe I can stack up. But will I sneak a peek at one of the letters before mailing them off? No.

It will be an intense urge that I will have to fight, because my curiosity knows no bounds, but using my previous experience in that department, no good will ever come from it. If I find nothing new, then I'm disappointed because apparently I am boring and not worth talking about. If I find something bad, then what? I get to point fingers and then feel terrible? And if I find something good? I've basically negated that by going through subversive means to find it out.

While it is a tiny victory, every time I fight the urge to go into someone's email (and again, we all know who), or check through someone's texts, or read that sealed letter, I feel better about myself. A bit of my insecurity is chipped away each time because I am learning what the most important person thinks of me...myself.

I will forever care about what others think of me, and when it's negative, I will be distressed. When it is positive, I will brush it off and not be able to take a compliment. But that is me, and I know this. But I finally feel like I can sit in a room, completely alone, and be at peace with myself and be HAPPY. HAPPY all on my own, without someone else having to tell me what is so awesome about me. I may not fully believe all those things yet, but I am on my way.

*Post title from Eminem's "25 To Life"

I Look Like Yes, And You Look Like No

I am very excited that I have kept my promise to actually remember to blog more than once every decade. Last night was the Drake concert and it was AMAZING!! Probably the best concert I have ever been to in my life (all 23 years...and that counts the time I went to see a live taping of the Mickey Mouse Club). Many, many guest performers since I have the luxury of living in Miami, so I was on my feet dancing like a maniac all night. Lots of yelling too, and hence, no voice today, but it was very much worth it.

Since Drake had a whole dreams and nightmares theme to this tour (and Miami was the opening city, woot woot!), he gave me lots of food for thought last night. He talked a lot about the sacrifices that he's had to make for his career, but that he would make every single one of them again (and many, many more as well) to make it as far as he has already. That got me thinking (d'uh) as to the sacrifices I'VE made for my career.

First off, I had to decide what my career was. And that was hard. 23 years and I ain't never met a good cop...kidding, but 23 years and I feel like I still don't have a career to call my own. Granted I did spend nearly 22 years in some sort of schooling, and I only graduated with my Bachelor's a little over a year ago, and probably won't have my Master's for another 3 or so. So until then, when I will (hopefully!) find a job I lovelovelove, or at least a job with the room for potential and growth into something I lovelovelove, what is my "career" now?

I'm not talking about my accomplishments because I know I have had enough to make me proud of the things that I do and to know that someone out there appreciates it as well. It feels silly to say that I'm still a Student because I'm technically not going to school right now. But that's what I feel like. I feel like I will always be a student, a scholar of some sort. While I LOVE writing, I never thought I would LOVE writing academic papers and theses, but I do. I love reading geeky poetry and unearthing obscure classics and feeling their resonance hundreds of years later. I HATED Samuel Taylor Coleridge in high school and my first year of university at NYU, and I grew to love him so much I wrote my senior thesis on him and hope to extend that at some point into a full blown manuscript.

I sacrificed so much my senior year of university for that thesis, too. I didn't go out as much as I could've because I wanted to write something so killer that it'd take the English department by storm (and it did!). I wanted to get stellar grades and go out with a bang (did that too!). I spent much of my random money on books and writing supplies and a new laptop, and I would never trade any of that for a wild, crazy senior year filled with booze, clubbing and boys.

Last year was filled with SO many sacrifices. I sacrificed one city for another. Friends for other people. Those people for my old friends. Potentially awesome jobs. My sanity, it felt like some times too. While I had a rough beginning of this year that I wouldn't wish on anyone, not even him, I wouldn't trade that in either. I still feel the repercussions of all those sacrifices- some mistakes, some not- but I also feel like I am the closest to being "me" that I've been in a long time.

Sacrifices, by their very definition, are the giving up of something valuable or desirable in exchange for something as being seen with a higher value. And just like with my thesis, where I ended up with something I am still so immensely proud of, I know these will lead to the same.

**Post title from Drake's "Up All Night" [of course ;)]



I just really liked the lights in this one


Drake!


Very excited during the show! After Tyga's performance


With my stunna shades on, heading to the concert

In the illustrious words of TI, I'M BACK!

But unlike TI, I have not been arrested for having sizzurp in my Maserati like 19 seconds after being released from jail. I am, however, the worstest blogger in the history of blogging. So bad, in fact, that I had to invent a new superlative to supplant worst. A super-superlative if you will. Bad jokes aside, I am a) still alive, b) very sorry and c) completely back!

So in the roughly 4 months that I've been gone, I have been marginally useful to society. I worked for another 2.5 months and have been unemployed for about a month and a half now, which sucks big ones. Although I am excessively lazy and enjoy sleeping until noon, I hate waking up and having no real plan of action for the day. I have applied to a bajillionty-five jobs and am attending a Career Fair next week, so keep your fingers (and toes if you are some sort of circus sideshow performer) crossed for me! As much as my little minions annoyed me at times, I really do miss them, though, and I miss my friend Amos.

Besides my great friends here and super awesome Texan Cheyanne, Amos really helped me get out of my boy funk. It is so refreshing to have a boy friend that is just that- a friend that is a boy. No attraction, no flirting, just a strictly platonic friendship where we can say stupid stuff and do even stupider things (like get tattoos, get a Concealed Weapons permit, fire super crazy guns, throw legal explosives into a lake, and JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE!...pics in a minute). I was feeling very let down with the males of the species after the whole kerfuffle (best word ever, by the way) with the DBX (DoucheBagEx. I was going to call him DouchEx but that sounds like it may actually be a feminine hygiene product on the market) but Amos was able to show me that not all guys are loser druggie trash and can actually want to hang out with a girl because she is fun and talks non-stop and not because he wants to get into her knickers.

Another boy that made me see they weren't all terrible? Awesome Adam for proposing to Cheyanne! WOOHOO! The funny thing is, even though Chey told me they had spoken about it, I don't think there was ever a doubt in my mind that it would happen at some point, even from the beginning. Even when SOMEONE was being a crazy person and worrying that she was not as amazing as she is (fact: she is even MORE amazing than that), I knew that they would end up together forever and ever and ever. It only makes me more bummed that DBX even occurred because I bet I would've had a great time in Texas without him and, dare I say, single. But the past is the past and now I have to focus on a) winning the lottery so I can go to Texas for the wedding and b) coming up with the bestest wedding gift I can think of!

As for my future, for the first time in a long while, I am very happy with how it's going. While I don't have a job yet and virtually no monies, I know that will come in time. For now, it is a lot of sitting at home, online (which makes it even more ridiculous that I haven't updated sooner) and reading (so expect a new book review by the end of the week!). I'm trying to get back into the editing thing again, and it's working out quite well. AND I'm applying to grad schools and it's ACTUALLY GOING SOMEWHERE.

I'm mainly sticking to in-state schools (for the financial factor) though I am branching out to a few out-of-state schools. I'm going to be applying to Library Science programs, as well as some Public History and Cultural Resource Management programs. I think it's the best way to merge my loves of literature, history and research/analysis into one career that will actually land me some stable sort of job in the future. I've already gotten my writing samples together, asked for my recommendation letters and started some of the applications. The next most difficult thing is writing a ballin personal statement and finding the $500 I need for application fees, printing fees, GRE test scores, mailing fees and transcript costs.

But in the end it will be so worth it, I can feel it in my little bones.

Anywho, expect some layout changes, and I will hopefully be able to post at least 3 times a week, even if it is some nonsense gibberish. And now I leave you with some pictures of what I've done since....the end of May!


I went to the beach several times and was not a jiggly mess! Still have some weight to lose, but at least I don't look like the stuffed sausage wrapped in bacon from Texas de Brazil that I <3 so much



It was my 23rd birthday! Since I refuse to age, I have decided I instead turned 21+2 and celebrated by taking alien-type pictures of myself (but I look totally cute, non?)



In actuality, I went to dinner with my parents and sis, and on the weekend went to a birthday dinner for my bff Wendy and then went to Blue Martini with Wendy and Anthony. I looked awesome but then totally decapitated my kneecap but getting my heel stuck in the cobblestone when we were leaving and landing HARD on the ground. Took like 2 weeks for it to heal too. But it was a fun night and I drank entirely too much, but I got to wear a new outfit so it was ok.





Oh yeah, I also did this thing called JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE AT 14,000 FEET! It was so amazing I have no words for it, except that you must try this at some point in your life. In order, Amos and I ARE actually friends (friends that do ridiculous things together), Freakin AMAZING, and Chad was the best skydive instructor ever, and if you are ever in Clewiston, Fl (right near Lake Okeechobee and about an hour and a half north of Miami) you must go to SkyDive Adventures. But don't have tints on your car windows or you will get pulled over. But not given a ticket, so it's ok. ((Actually the pictures are in backwards order from how I described them- so Chad first, then the actual dive, and finally me and Amos before jumping))



I also went to the Hard Rock (which is amazing), drank some more, and wingladied it for Amos before he went back to Utah for school. Winglady/wingman did not work but it was still fun and I got home at 5 AM and it was great. This pic, though, is of my new hairdo. It's the darkest that it's been in about 6 years and I've got cute layers. This was Labor Day weekend before going to Ra Sushi and Lounge with Wendy and Anthony.


**Expect more pictures soon because I am going to see DRAKE in concert tomorrow night and I'm SOEXCITEDTHATICANTUSETHESPACEBAR!