And I Gained Control Of Myself

First off, I need to inform everyone that my left hand fell asleep because I've been supporting my body weight on it for the past 4 hours. Although the crazy pin and needles are attacking now, it is well worth it since I FINALLY researched the graduate programs I'll be applying to in a few months. I even found a job I will apply to that is somewhat related to Social Work, so it'll look killer on my resume (if I get it, of course). Still need to get all the rec letters and write up all of the personal statements...but I've got about 7+ months until the earliest application is due, so I should be fine. However, I totally need to get my Florida license and registration and car insurance so I can get Florida residency again because this girl? Is NOT paying an out-of-state price for the 4 classes I have to take to get into most MSW programs.

Hopefully this Census job lasts for at least another 6 weeks so I can pay off my credit cards and have a nice amount to put down for those classes. They should only cost about $1000 (if I get no financial aid whatsoever), which is nothing compared to the $150k my Bachelor's cost.

Anywho, I'm feeling very productive, which is hopefully a mood that will last until tomorrow when I'm confronted with work and having to a) fire someone else (someone that appears like they are going to bitch and complain about it) and b) have tons of work with one less assistant (boo!).

But, as promised (-ish), moving on in life and in the writing process! I know that I am insanely stubborn, and once I set my mind on something, I am intractable. I tend to burn bridges before I drop my stance, even after I've started realizing I may be in the wrong. I think sometimes others will think I'm wishy-washy if I change my tune once things don't go my way, so I sink with my ship. However, among all of the OTHER lessons I've learned in the past few months, I've learned to let go. Letting go is definitely much more difficult than sticking with your original (wrong) stance. I've felt like letting go and moving on means that my whole world is going to come crashing down on me, forcing my to modify even my most basic of beliefs.

Sometimes...that's exactly what you need.

In the writing world, it is much the same. Once that spark, that idea, crackles in your mind and begins to grow to that "OMG-if-I-don't-get-a-moment-to-write-this-down-I'm-totally-going-to-explode-and-OMGOMGOMGOMGGGGGG" phase, we generally have some rudimentary idea of how we'd like the plot to go. We may have a few characters and possibly even the climax and ending. It's just putting all that together that proves to be the issue. I know that sometimes I may have some crazy-cool scene in my mind that I fall completely in love with, and unfortunately, it may not work once it's down on paper. Or Word. Whatever.

But how do you just give up on that? I know I tend to leave in weak parts until the verrrrry end, trying to justify it to everyone (usually just myself), that it will fit in, that I'll edit stuff around just so it can stay. Just like life. Even when we notice that squeaky wheel or wobbly leg, we justify, make excuses, hope against hope that SOMETHING will happen so it can stay around. Be that a loser boyfriend. Or a somewhat weak employee. Or that excessively frivolous purchase that we totally don't want to return but have no idea how we can make sense of an $800 handbag when we have a dozen others collecting dust in our closet.

One day, though, you just wake up, figuratively and literally, and realize that a change must be made. That the status quo is broken, and we can no longer stand for it. And we make a cut. And another. And another, until things are down to their foundation. And then we can start reworking, rewriting, and, most importantly, rebuilding.



**Post title is from The Chemical Brothers' "Golden Path" (I was quite obsessed with the Chemical Brothers for like 2 weeks once....haha)