I'm Leaving You, My Life Sentence Is Served

Wooohooo! Go me and actually posting when I say I will! The high (metaphorical, not literal) from the concert has worn off now, and all I'm left with is a crazy sore throat and what looks like the beginning of Death Plague 2010 v.2, which is no fun. On deck for next week is a Career Fair on Tuesday (which will HOPEFULLY bring something good along- or at the very least a few interviews) and heading to my old alma mater to pick up some recommendation letters.

Which brings me to my topic of the day!

My former thesis adviser/English professor has written what I'm sure is a stellar rec for me (because basically any rec anyone would choose to write for me makes me very excited and grateful and is, thus, amazing) and she asked me if I was going to waive my right to read the letter. Naturally, most schools look favorably upon this because they are getting a better view of you as both a scholar and an individual. If you don't waive your right, they will know that you read all your letters and chose only the best and most favorable descriptions of you to turn in. Honestly, I believe that any professional that would choose to write a recommendation for you would write a favorable letter; if not, they would just tell you they won't do it (as I have seen many professors do before). But that got me wondering, if you had the ability to learn how others see you, without them having to tell you straight to your face, but through a more indirect means, would you take it?

I am by no means anywhere near perfect. I have snuck around where I shouldn't have to read and see things that were not meant for me, although they were about me. Sometimes I had a semi-legitimate reason (such as with DBX), and other times I was just extremely insecure and was looking toward outside things to make me feel better. And while I did learn what he or she thought about me, or said behind my back, or was doing behind closed doors, I learned more about myself in the process...and not all of those things were pleasant.

Would I love to read that letter by a professor whom I admire and hope to have a successful career like? OF COURSE. As a peer, a colleague, a burgeoning little scholar and writer, OF COURSE I want to know what someone who has been in the field many, many years thinks and how well they believe I can stack up. But will I sneak a peek at one of the letters before mailing them off? No.

It will be an intense urge that I will have to fight, because my curiosity knows no bounds, but using my previous experience in that department, no good will ever come from it. If I find nothing new, then I'm disappointed because apparently I am boring and not worth talking about. If I find something bad, then what? I get to point fingers and then feel terrible? And if I find something good? I've basically negated that by going through subversive means to find it out.

While it is a tiny victory, every time I fight the urge to go into someone's email (and again, we all know who), or check through someone's texts, or read that sealed letter, I feel better about myself. A bit of my insecurity is chipped away each time because I am learning what the most important person thinks of me...myself.

I will forever care about what others think of me, and when it's negative, I will be distressed. When it is positive, I will brush it off and not be able to take a compliment. But that is me, and I know this. But I finally feel like I can sit in a room, completely alone, and be at peace with myself and be HAPPY. HAPPY all on my own, without someone else having to tell me what is so awesome about me. I may not fully believe all those things yet, but I am on my way.

*Post title from Eminem's "25 To Life"